It was surprising and somewhat frightening to witness my discontent. Annoyed yes; angry, certainly. But never this dull, diminished apathy. An absence of passion and a spectator's vision. I wanted the old me back and set upon the course to do just that. And as soon as the idea sparked the spirit did too.

The quality of light is different here.
It slants down through the trees and lands squarely on your hands holding a newspaper.
And my heart contracts with pure pleasure at just being here at this moment.
This air so different than home.  Redolent of history and rich in all that came before. Oakey and thick.
Creaking carriage wheels and the rustling of skirts.
Time slows down and stretches out before me. Buzzing and lazy.

Warrior friend your eyes tell me every thing i need to know. all the answers to unasked questions , you acknowledge in your quiet calm all the weak attempts at words stuck in my mouth...so i just hold you instead and hope you feel everything i want to say and all my selfish wishes.  all the silent prayers banging around in my head and all the deals I've made with God. i'm bargaining for more days and nights because I haven't had nearly enough of you . i'm still in love with that 18 year old girl who knew her way around this universe long before the rest of us could navigate what she had mastered... and kept me doubled over laughing as it all played out.

I am simply amazed and delighted to be watching the show. An endless parade of shiny stuff that dazzles me and leaves me giddy with expectation. I have front row seats ---hell, I'm IN this jaw dropping performance and i get to be the star .

I cant help but marvel at how the universe conspires with all the unseen energies of those we love to bring us to this place in time. wide eyed, speechless and full of wonder that all you have wished for is in the palm of your hand. and that for every moment you felt empty and used up; you now revel in perfect well being.

when i think of you and my mind wanders through all that we have shared i think that the birds that have flown into my garden and the butterfly that dips its wings over each flower; each has moved the very same air that travels slowly east toward you. all of it drifts through the universe over my ocean and  your forest and the other side of the mountain . you breathe in the dust i breathed out. and so a little of me stays in you.

Ancora Imparo

"I am still learning"

--Michelangelo

2-28-12

this journey started about 62 years ago. I began to acquire bits and pieces of luggage to store and carry the necessities for my trip.
I noticed the bags got bigger as the years went by and no matter what city, or state, or even country i journeyed to; try as i might i could never leave even one bag behind. They went everywhere with me.
My biggest bag was labeled fear. It always crawled under the seat. Afraid..always afraid! i mean there was so much to fear out there! Who wouldnt be afraid?! Low self esteem always sat on the floor. It never felt worthy to be anywhere , but under someone's feet. And then there was pity. Pity hung out the window so it's tears wouldnt flood the car, or train or plane. The bag named blame was a constant companion as was disappointment and regret.
And then one day I noticed how outworn they all were, and how big and heavy they had gotten, and how very tired i was of carrying them on my journey.
So i began to throw them out one by one.
Fear had to go first. It filled every empty space. I got a new bag called courage. It was bright and shiny and new. It made every trip an adventure filled with fun and excitement.
A new bag called pride replaced low self esteem. My back was straighter and my shoulders thrown back. I am so beautiful!
Hope and faith replaced self pity and blame. Now my journey became less about running away from sadness and despair and more about traveling toward  light and joy and gratitude. Disappointment and regret got left behind so expectation and bliss could grow. 
And now the journey is all about love and all its wonders..

"When I let go of what I am, I become what I may be"
Lao -tzu

Our power lies in this moment. It is ok to resign our position as general manager of the universe..we are not in charge. We dont know where the path is going and that is ok. it is an illusion to think we are in control. We must surrender and turn our lives over to our higher power.
We must find our freedom and release old fears and negativity. I am leaving the past behind and despite the worst defeats that seemed to come one right after the other month after month; i trust myself and i feel strong, determined and single focused. I own my part in what happened in my life and how i participated, but i will not stay stuck in them.
I chose to go forward with grace and determination and learn from the worst of the experiences.

"Fall seven times, stand up eight" - Japanese Proverb

Up until his death in his 80's Buddha taught the 4 noble truths: life is full of suffering, suffering is caused by attachment, abandoning attachment brings relief from suffering and release can be achieved through practicing right conduct-to help others to enlightenment , or nirvana.

Our crisis and our opportunity is to surrender control and the fear mechanisms of our ego to unconditional love without regard for the outcome..

I seek to activate my courage and build my confidence by honoring the obstacles as opportunities to overcome my fears. Give myself permission to surrender my illusion of control and honor my path without delusion or self deception.  And I choose to surround myself with people  who make me feel strong and see who I am beyond the limitations of my past.

"Let Them Go"- by Bishop T.D. Jakes

There are people who can walk away from you,
And hear me when I tell you this!
When people can walk away from you, let them walk.
I don't want you to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you.
I mean, hang up the phone.
When people walk away from you, let them walk.
Your destiny is never tied to anybody who left.

You are in control,you are one with God. You are the only authority in your life and you are divinely  protected by the light.
Close off your aura and body of light to the lower astral levels and open to the spiritual well being that serves you well.
Thank you God and so it is.

Today my heart is with my daughter maybe a little more than usual and like all mothers I struggle with the right words. My thoughts my intentions always from the heart ..a constant prayer of sorts..are you listening God..bend down your Ear to this request bless her with the melody of your love and the strength of your spirit, bless her now today with good things, health , joy love and laughter and surround her with many good friends.
And if I could dream a dream of my choosing it would be that tomorrow would dawn bright and easy and all her dark places would be flooded with light and all fear and uncertainty evaporated.
Be a spirit junkie and start seeing those miracles oh child of mine.

Rants ravings and musings of one 62 yr old female wrestling with a new life. What's is like to be back home after 20 plus years away? Living alone for the first time in 28 years? Experiencing that oh so empty nest..and dating in the OC..dating?
i struggle with getting to know myself..but of this I am sure: I look around and see how blessed I am , what an exciting journey this can be if I let it. Courage! I find i have more gratitude than at any other time in my life.
Do  we really take time to be still each day? Connect with our higher power? Sit in silence and just savor the moment? Today i sat outside and watched a hummingbird visit each plant, inhaled and closed my eyes and knew the air smelled like home: salty and sweet. it's not true that you can't go home again...it just may not be the home you remembered..